pb&j macarons

Patience is not my virtue. It is also probably the virtue that I most need in my life, especially right now when so many things seem uncertain. I have become fairly good at maintaining patient calm when faced with circumstances that I know I have no control over, but what I am currently having to learn is patience in circumstances where I feel like I should be able to have some control, when I feel like my best efforts should be enough. I am stubborn and tenacious, so I'll work a problem to death, but I am not always good at stepping back and waiting calmly.

So, this is what I am trying to learn in my life, a sense of patience and hope and calm. Sometimes the wonderful takes a long time to arrive. And sometimes the long-awaited wonderful comes in the form of cookies!

These cookies, my pb&j macarons were a long time coming, but oh, were they worth it.



Let's start with the macarons. Like many foodies, I got caught up in the macaron hysteria of late. They are hard to resist, after all, with their crunchy, chewy, smoothness. I suspect that part of their appeal is that they are so versatile, amenable to flavor combinations both subtle and surprising. As often happens with me when I discover a sweet I like, I try to recreate them in my own kitchen.

I made my first batch of macarons last year for my annual family tea party. They were fussy and frustrating and I threw out one batch before getting a batch that I thought was acceptable. The acceptable batch was full of uneven and mishapen cookies, but they were for my family who have committed to loving me anyway. I didn't try my next batch until this December, and the effort was a total disaster. I was too frustrated and had already made too many cookies anyway to attempt another batch. sigh. I wondered if maybe they were just above my baking ability, and I should just give up. I also thought about just steaming ahead with my inherited brand of ridiculous stubbornness and just keep trying the recipe I had (Martha Stewart) and make it work. But I thought better of it and decided to do some research.

I found Tartelette's excellent Macarons 101 guide and another helpful set of tips at Coco & Me. With these tips and the knowledge I'd acquired from my failed attempts, I decided I was ready to give the tricky things another shot. And I was determined to just going to keep baking until I figured things out. And to be patient in the process. So, first batch, pretty good. The process was improved by the added step of sieving the powdered sugar and nuts for a very fine mixture and the reduced cooking time (I knew something was wrong with that 20-25 minute cooking time in the Martha recipe). I skipped some of the fussier steps, like letting the age whites age overnight and letting the macarons set before baking. Some of the other guides I've read suggested that these steps aren't necessary, so I'm all for trying things the easy way first. This batch turned out ok. I didn't concentrate too much on the size because I just wanted to test my ability to make them without killing the lift of the egg whites. I didn't bother sandwiching them with anything and just let W. go crazy eating them all.

The success got me excited, so I branched out with a mix of peanuts and almonds for the nut mixture. One tray from this batch cracked and fell in the oven, but the second tray was excellent (this being the one that I let set out for awhile, I'm thinking that step isn't as optional as I want it to be).

Making peanut macarons was based on my desire to fulfill another failed baking project. Last fall, I made grape jelly. My first attempt was a total disaster, ending in an inedible and unmovable grape-carame type substance. I blame W. because he called me for a ride in the middle of the process. Because of travel, I almost missed the remainder of grape season and my opportunity to redeem myself. Luckily, I caught grapes on their last week at the farmer's market and made a small, but successful batch of jam. The jam, however, was a bit too much for me. Very grape and very sweet, sort of like a grape jolly rancher. My in-laws loved it when they came to visit, but I was left wondering what to do with the stuff.

Cookies, obviously. What else is super-sweet jelly good for? I made some peanut butter thumbprints and the jam worked ok with them, but it wasn't the cookie my tastebuds were imagining. I wanted something light, but rich, sweet, but savory, chewy, but crunchy. It took me a few months to realize that what I wanted was a macaron.

It only took me a year to get to this cookie, but I think it was worth the wait. Exactly what I wanted.